Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Just as when I began

I have always been open and honest in my blog, never hiding my feelings, nor hiding where I am in my journey. I have been pondering my feelings on posting this entry, and decided that since it was part of a journey of mine needs to be shared. Someone out there needs to read it and maybe see that they are not alone.

I feel just that. Alone. I started this journey alone, and I still feel alone. The only difference is when you weigh 227 and you begin to lose weight, others out there in your real life support you, and root you on. They encourage you and help you get through the mind game. But when you lose 70 pounds, and are at a decent weight you get nothing! The support you had is gone. They no longer see the 'need' you feel to continue. Your real friends have gotten tired of hearing all the things you have learned, and changed in your life, that they stop even trying to call you or have get togethers.

It is hard to feel so alone , so much alone as I did when I was at that miserable high weight. The only thing is, I can't hide behind the weight anymore, and the lonliness is unfortunately becoming unbearable. I can't hide behind food, I can't hide behind baggy tshirts, I simply can't hide. I literally feel like at this moment, that I do not have one person I can open up to and talk to honestly about these feelings. I am putting them out there, because this blog has become my "venting" ground and I feel like I have the freedom to be me, without being judged. I don't have that in real life either. (I do want to say I have my husband to talk to. But, as a man, he just doesn't get it sometimes. Bless his heart, he tries he really does.)

I know that I have Christ. And I need to take these feelings to the throne room, and believe me I am right now! But, as I said I wanted these to be here, this open-ness to share with you, who may be having the same feelings.

I think a part of me, tends to push people away especially when I see them not wanting to be supportive of me and my dreams, my desires. Why should I be open with someone who just doesn't want to be there for me? I am the "go to" girl. I always have been, and always will be, but where is my "go to" girl? I need someone. I need a real friend. It just hurts sometimes to always feel like I have the short end of the stick.

This post is not about pitty ~ please don't feel sorry for me. But if you do think about me, pray for me! Pray that this lonliness will go away, or be replaced by His continued love and presence. Pray that the Lord will send someone to me ( in real life) who will be supportive, and encouraging.

4 comments:

  1. Sheila, I so understand how you feel. I've always had my husbands support in my weight loss journey, but when I began it two years ago, he was deployed to Korea. As I think I have mentioned before, I wasn't overweight by much for my height. Maybe 10-15 lbs from the top of the weight range by the doctors standards. When I was trying to loose weight, people constantly told me that I did not need to loose weight, "you are too thin". But I knew deep down, that with a history of High Blood Pressure, my not feeling energized after a night of sleep, feeling sluggish all day long, my lack of self confidence, family history of diabetes, heart disease, among other things, I needed to loose the weight. I needed it for my self confidence, my health, my family.

    It really got to be frustrating hearing all the negative comments all the time. It brought me down to where I was just upset all the time and wanted to just stay clear of them... they were my co-workers though, so hard to do.

    I hope that you are able to find a friend close to you who will support you in your efforts to make a healthier life for yourself. But keep in mind, WE ARE HERE for you. Feel free to vent all you want. We are in this together...

    Lisa

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  2. I know the feeling, I used to have a huge circle of friends when I was pregnant. I asked them questions and they cheered me on until I held my baby in my arms. Now they have disappeared from my life and I have no one to talk to about my child :| I miss those days!!

    You know what's amazing though? There is a circle of friends that remains united for the longest time, CHRISTIANS!! I am friends with so many christian ladies and we talk everyday because we always have the thirst to grow in the Lord :) we also know we'll be meeting each other in heaven someday soon :) so Sheila, I'll be bumping into you for a visit when we meet in heaven. You can count on that :D

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  3. I can honestly say that I feel the lonliness too Sheila. I'm a very shy person, and do not really have any 'close' friends in real life. I have friends whom I email back a forth but we don't ever go 'hang out' etc. I would love nothing more than to have a friend I can share my ups and downs with. But I know that I can share all my problems with my older brother...Christ. He has felt the lonliness that we feel, he knows what we are going through. Big Hugs for you Sheila.

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  4. Yes, there are lots of us out there. I have some friends that I scrapbook with and we occasionally get together for coffee, but it's not very regular. I talk with my younger sister almost every day, but she's a few states away.

    I have found that when I get to a place where I have few friends in real life, that's when I grow closest to the Lord. It's like He's taking me "into the desert" to draw near to Him. Take your desire for a friend to the Lord. His will be done.
    Path to Health

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