I have always been open and honest in my blog, never hiding my feelings, nor hiding where I am in my journey. I have been pondering my feelings on posting this entry, and decided that since it was part of a journey of mine needs to be shared. Someone out there needs to read it and maybe see that they are not alone.
I feel just that. Alone. I started this journey alone, and I still feel alone. The only difference is when you weigh 227 and you begin to lose weight, others out there in your real life support you, and root you on. They encourage you and help you get through the mind game. But when you lose 70 pounds, and are at a decent weight you get nothing! The support you had is gone. They no longer see the 'need' you feel to continue. Your real friends have gotten tired of hearing all the things you have learned, and changed in your life, that they stop even trying to call you or have get togethers.
It is hard to feel so alone , so much alone as I did when I was at that miserable high weight. The only thing is, I can't hide behind the weight anymore, and the lonliness is unfortunately becoming unbearable. I can't hide behind food, I can't hide behind baggy tshirts, I simply can't hide. I literally feel like at this moment, that I do not have one person I can open up to and talk to honestly about these feelings. I am putting them out there, because this blog has become my "venting" ground and I feel like I have the freedom to be me, without being judged. I don't have that in real life either. (I do want to say I have my husband to talk to. But, as a man, he just doesn't get it sometimes. Bless his heart, he tries he really does.)
I know that I have Christ. And I need to take these feelings to the throne room, and believe me I am right now! But, as I said I wanted these to be here, this open-ness to share with you, who may be having the same feelings.
I think a part of me, tends to push people away especially when I see them not wanting to be supportive of me and my dreams, my desires. Why should I be open with someone who just doesn't want to be there for me? I am the "go to" girl. I always have been, and always will be, but where is my "go to" girl? I need someone. I need a real friend. It just hurts sometimes to always feel like I have the short end of the stick.
This post is not about pitty ~ please don't feel sorry for me. But if you do think about me, pray for me! Pray that this lonliness will go away, or be replaced by His continued love and presence. Pray that the Lord will send someone to me ( in real life) who will be supportive, and encouraging.