Tuesday, July 7, 2009
After the Rain
Today I am purely exhuasted. Completely worn out. And because of that we are just now finishing our houseblessings for the day. It was a rainy day here in South East Texas, at least the first half. Let me say that was the first real rain since like June 3rd. The rain was well wished for, prayed for, and desired. There is something calming and peaceful about a rainy day, especially if your in the family room enjoying a favorite sitcome rerun from the nineties and you have your favorte lap blanket. When it is dark, and you hear "pitter patter" hit the window, and run off from the roof making a slight puddle outside the front window. After the rain, everything is refreshed and made new again.
I had one of those days today. See, yesterday I moved forward in my breakthrough. If you read the entry I posted on Monday about how God began speaking to me about my self hatred and how much it was keeping me down in the pitt, then you might understand the rest of this post a bit better. Yesterday I had a talk one on one with me. In the mirror while I was getting ready to head out for the day. I spoke openly and honestly about this realization I had. When I did, I realized when this all began. I will simply put it like this. There was "someone" who physically abused me from the time I was 4 all the way until I was 11, in ways a child should never have been touched. This someone has since been forgiven by me, but out of shame back then I have never told my mother. I never shared with her all the times I cried out to her and yet, she never heard me. My voice, just told me to Shut up and suck it up. I tried to scream, I really did, but .... it didnt' happen. I internalized all this pain, shame, and fear for so long that it became normal. My normal. I forgave that person with all I have, for I know this wasn't a "flesh" battle ( though I fought it in the flesh every time), instead it was spiritual. Those years changed me in ways I will never be able to share whole heartedly. At least not now. Even though I did forgive him, I have never forgiven myself, not until now.
The rain has come, and through each and every moment I can say, I can see the light. I can see the little girl I used to be ~ still hiding in the corner, scared to let go, scared to scream, scared to say "IT WASN"T MY FAULT!" But now, today, I can also see my Jesus. I can see him stooped down beside me, with his arms held out saying "Come! I will protect you!". When I think of all the things I have robbed myself of, my husband of, even my children of, I get so angry. All over again, and want to just hide. But I can't! Not anymore! See there is this beautiful butterfly who is breaking out of her cocoon, just waiting for her wings to dry before she takes flight!
During that conversation with myself, I realized daily, I have to forgive myself for things that happened, and for not saying anything. For still not saying anything. I can't. I won't. What was done is done. But the amazing thing is this: Just as Jesus has forgiven me of my sins (and I am not talking about the not telling being a sin), I must forgive myself as well. I DO! I REALLY DO! I will no longer listen to those lies saying that I must be unloveable because I am no good, that I must be tarnished goods and not worthy of REAL love. I must not listen when I think that nothing I do matters. I used to hate myself. Now, I only hate the wasted years.
I am BEAUTIFUL inside and out. I am LOVING from the top to the bottom! The rain has come, rinsed me off, and now.. I walk in the rays of the Son. I am a Wonderful Creation, that can not be duplicated, and because of that God has an amazing purpose for my life ~ every single moment of it. I am ready, to embrace it! I am ready to allow myself to be loved the way He intended! The storns for the day have passed, and I am basking in the peace of God. Nothing, could mean more! Nothing at all, not after the rain.
ETA: This is not an easy subject to discuss, but it is something that has held me back for too many years. Though I can't tell the one person I would love to, I must share it to be able to share my entire testimony. Without it, my story could be like someone else's. With it, my story is complete. I pray that by sharing this I haven't lost those of you as friends but instead I pray you gained a new perspective not only about who I am, but who God is, all the healing that take place in one's life if we just allow it to happen.