Yesterday during choir rehearsal a few things were brought to the surface, only by the hand of God!
*I am not "just" in the choir. It's not soemthing I do because I like to sing. It is truly my place of service in ministry to the church. It is our responsibility to completely worship freely and openly, inviting God and the Holy Spirit to just come and dwell. It is easier for those in the congregation to UNDERSTAND what true worship is, when the choir is just involved in what we do. *
*I am not "just" a preschool teacher. I am certainly NOT a babysitter. I am someone who devotes two thirds of each week to mold and prepare younger children for their future eucational AND spiritual foundation for nine months out of the year. In the summer I devote almost a month in preperation. *
*I am not "just" another fat person who is now trapped into a thinner body! (I know that sounds very wierd, but I have to say this. I know that my reflection in the mirror reflects a very healthy woman, but if I look in her eyes, she hasn't accepted that ~ instead she see's the same ol fat person staring back.)
My point is this. Nobody is "just" anything.
I have a lot of healing going on since that breaktrhough began last week. Serious healing. When I proclaimed my breakthrough and committment to writing I never knew what God was going to do. Healing, healing, more healing and then Restoration!! That is something that can only be done by the hand of God.
I know no other way of dealing with myself but to feel self hatred and self loathing. I have hated myself for so long that it truly is like a second nautre to me. Beyond a bad habit because I truly think it is a beyond the "outside fight" but one that is spiritual. This is the largest place that Satan has a hold on me. The sad thing is I allow that to happen!I allow it!!Then I woder why I feel so terrible about myself, and begin to self sabotage myself whether it be in my wieghtloss journey, my spiritual journey, friendships, relationships, everything that I am about.
Today, God told me "enough is enough". I MUST work hard at tearing down those walls and rebuilding them with HIS purpose for me. I must learn what HE thinks of me, not what *I* think of myself. Self hatred and loathing are a sin. Did you know that? It is spiritutal bondage! It's nothing that can just be walked away from and forgotten. Just like an alchoholic reaches for another drink, I reach out for another dose of pain. Why? Why do I torment myself?
This whole thing has been working through my mind and spirit like a bad virus winds it's ways through the intestines. It hurts! It is so painful to realize how much I have done to myself, and continue to do on a regular basis and it just seems "normal" to me. I don't dare hurt others, but in a way by living this way I hurt everyone around me. I don't share all that I am ~ all that God wants to do through me. I can't if I am constantly being so hard and so hurtful to myself. Part of me is scared! Frightened because what happens when I move past this, begin to love me the way God loves me, and then I realize everything I missed out on? I am scared that others will hurt me instead of me hurting myself. What if I let go, and I can't handle the hurt of someone else? AT least when I hurt myself I could just hate myself and it was no big deal. ~ Did you see that? Already, I am making excuses!! I think I hurt myself more then anyone could ever hurt me.
Pastor Steve was talking about Nehimiah and how the rebuilding of the wall when all this was conspiring in my heart. The Holy spirit was doing the work, laying down ground in me ( as I wrote 99 % of what is above during the sermon) before he began speaking that YOU HAVE TO REBUILD! The wall ( your life) might be in shambles and look like a disaster, but .... take up your weapon, stand guard, BUT.... rebuild! You can't just sit around walling in your self pitty and feeling like things are impossible. God doesn't call us to do that. He calls us to take action, and do what we can to get it back up, but stronger! Ya know it is funny how God works. I knew I was writing while Pastor was speaking, but I knew I had an instant NEED to write what was flowing. I didn't know what it would lead to, but that is how God has always worked in me. Yes, I was listening to the Holy Spirit AND Pastor! Don't think for one minute I wasn't paying attention. I did not realize though until this moment as I am finishing my "thoughts" that God was using that sermon for me in a way that could be used for no one else. I am sure that others got something out of it because that is just how it works!
So, now I go into the scriptures and in prayer and find out what God says about me. I need to know this because I am in battle. My weapon is on, and I am rebuilding, but I need to know more because Satan isn't going to give up on this very easily. How sad is it that his strongest hold on me is that. :) I will overcome, because the hand of God will always remain on me. His daughter. His princess. His unique creation. I will not loose anymore blessings because of this stronghold.
God Bless You!