Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I thank you!

I did a bit of my own therapy today. It helped. First and foremost I wrote a letter to someone very close to me, explaining what is happening in my brain, and how sometimes their actions just seem to set me off in my own little tangent that isn't so beneficial. I cried. I literally went into the bedroom, shut my door and bawled my eyes out. It was needed. I have held it back tooo long. I just cried and cried like a little baby. I was defeated. Defeated by my OWN self, which is one of the worse feelings I have ever had. I knew this pitt feeling, and I just cried out to God "You have to help me, because I can't do this!".  I was ready to give this letter out today. But, as time wore on, and with a 45 minute rest period, time in the kitchen making something for dh to take to work tomorrow, listening to tons of healing praise music on the MP3 while I worked, moved me into a much calmer place. A peaceful place. A place of reckoning. Is this battle with BDD over? No. Is this battle with self sabotage and negative self talk done? No. But for right now, I am doing much better then I could have imagined. I have a feeling some of you out there have been praying earnestly for me, I can feel it. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is a growing experience for me. And though I had no clue why, the Lord made it very clear. All things have a purpose when it comes to the Lord, and things that happen in our lives. I have a clear vision! I now just need to move forward, and document what is happening, and how I am coping.


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