Last night I made biscuits, cream gravy, chicken tenders, mac n cheese all from scratch. :) I didnt' enjoy one bite of it though, I long for those kinds of comfort southern foods right now. ( I will explain later.) Tonight's dinner will consist of goulash, homemade bread w/ butter, a large salad, iced tea and brownie bites for dessert. :) I have loved spending that time in the kitchen. I do not see it as a chore, though it is hard when I know that those foods are not good for me. My digestion just can't handle them anymore. Sure every now and then, but I am really still recovering from a five day splurge last week. I do however, enjoy and get satisfaction out of preparing foods that my family loves, and that I made from scratch. I am THROUGH buying premade/ packaged garbage. NO MORE! This is so much better for them, and in the long run cheaper.
I am facing some difficult choices in my life, on this weightloss journey of mine. Slowly I am working through them, but one of the things I have been dealing with is BDD. Body Dysmorphic Disorder. To briefly describe this without sending you link hopping ( though it is there if you want to read more)
The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of severe depression and anxiety, development of other anxiety disorders, social withdrawal or complete social isolation, and more. It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD (Psychological Medicine, vol 36, p 877).
I truly believe that this is the cause of several things. One, for years I had developed a regular negative self talk. I pointed out every single flaw I have, and then more. I am so superficially critical of myself, in ways that a normal person may not ever experience. Now, I look in the mirror, and I still SEE that same 227.5 pound woman! Yes I know. I am no longer her on the outside, but I still torment myself just the same. Unfortunately she still has her own taunting voice that can destroy me in a hearbeat. I have to stop this! Secondly, I have a hard time visualizing my weightloss as others do. It is different for me. I mean, I may occasionally catch my reflection in a mirror at the store and be shocked, but often then I wonder how that mirror made me look so thin. When I make this comment to friends who may be with me, they are usually all over me like white on rice saying "sheila, you ARE thin.".
This is hard for me to admit, but it is something that I am truly going to have to work on. It is effecting me in many ways, and I dont' want to continue living a life that is always so self seeking, yet never finding peace and comfort within my own skin. Every now and then I have a good day. Every now and then even a good week. Usually when I can toot my own horn, something happens that brings me right back down, usually crashing harder then I have ever before in my life. That is where I hit. Rock bottom. And slowly I am working harder then ever to get back up, so that I can push forward.
Because I can't accurately see where I am, I then begin rethinking my "happy weight". My GOOD goal weight. When I am there, in the right spot, I feel like I am where I need to be. But ... then I look in the mirror and I begin to see that fat gal again, and she is sneering at me, laughing, like it was all some bad joke and I am stuck living the life I hated. Stuck trapped in a body that isn't mine.
This is honestly hard for me to share because there are many people who read this blog. People I work with, parents of students in my class, close friends, even some family. I HATE ADMITTING that I feel like a freak. I hate admitting that I am weak and often don't know if I have it me to fight, yet I know I have to. I mean.. I am supposed to be a role model right? I am supposed to be perfect. I hate knowing that I am going to face some of these people and have to deal with their shameful looks upon me. But I cant' hide anymore. I am hurting. And there are many others out there like me. I want to just lend an ear, and support anyone else out there who may be finding themselves in a position such as mine. It robs me of who I am. Who God intends me to be. It robs me of blessings He is just waiting to bestow on me, but yet I can't see them because I am so self involved and yet feel so worthless to be involved in myself. A vicious cyle. Today, starts my battle against it all.
I have said before that I cant' see the weightloss in the mirror, but alot of times I see it the pictures. MORE OFTEN then NOT.... I see it in the pictures. Recently, I haven't taken many pictures of myself. Maybe that is what has stirred all this up. Honestly, I dont' know how this baught of it has begun, but I wish it would go away. I am going to be doing more research on BDD and spend some time in the Word, in prayer, and focusing on getting throught his hurdle. I dont' care if I cant' jump over it, I just want to be through it. I have to get through it.
Thank you for reading. And more thanks to you , if you know me in person, and you dont' judge me for being honest and sharing this leg of the journey. I almost posted this all on skinnyminnymommy but decided I needed to share what is really going with my friends.