Those of you who have been around here for a long time, know that I don't really share anything negative about my marriage. I usually keep any ill feelings just between my husband and I, but this time I truly feel led by the Lord to share a circumstance, and how I handled it. This is hard for me, because I don't like putting my husband out there in a negative light at all. And before I do share, please understand that my husband and I are passionately in love, and we are human just like you. That means we have our moments, but it is how you use those situations that can make or break you.
As you know, I have stepped up my game and have begun to take complete control again. Looking from the outside in, I realize that this probably puts my husband a bit ill at ease. Why? Because let's face it. His wife went from just pretty... to "hawt" already, and I have decided I am not done. That's right. You heard me. I called myself HOT! I am NOT being vain, just taking ownership of this new body that has been created. It started as early as yesterday morning after I had my early morning workout. When I sat down to eat breakfast before getting dressed for church, a comment was said about my food choices. (As usual.)
"Did you have a good workout?"
"Why yes I did. I loved it! I want to start working out in the mornings."
"Well, since you had a good workout, why don't you throw a biscuit on your plate and some jelly."
"No thanks. This is perfect!"
LOL. Silly banter stuff that I have gotten used to and I didnt' feel threatened just humored. I was so strong yesterday morning, that I could take on the world. In the evening though, I was tiring, and I guess my defenses were down a bit. My husband had decided that he wanted a silly burger from McDonald's. Well, usually that's not a problem for me because I would order a double quarter pounder with NO bun, and no ketchup. Simple. Done. But I am working on eating as cleanly as possible. That is where my convictions lie for now. So silly me says to myself, but out loud "Maybe I will have one last set of fries" knowing I wouldn't because I had been having "one last" all week. Looking back, I think this may have triggered a negative thought into my husband's mind, because he knew I meant business when I said "last". So, as I got dressed to go get dinner, I was about to walk out the door when I hear "Your butt is saggy".
Immediatey I was crushed, offended, and very hurt. I just looked at him, and walked out the door hearing him mumble "Why do you take everything so serious?". I take things about my body very seriously. Even if he was just "kdding". I understand that his sense of humor is warped, and he grew up in a home where you teased the ones you love and the more you loved them the more you teased them. And I have gotten good about letting it rolll off my back, and throwing something back at him, but it still hurt. It stung. Here I am making all these changes in my life, and the one person I desire support from apparently doesn't realize that he burries what support he does give under comments like that.
As I walked out the door, I didnt' care what he had to say. I was done with the conversation for the moment. McDonald's is like 5 minutes from the house, by the time I got there, I was saying "THANK YOU" because he helped me not even think about those fries. I came home and made me some eggs w/ ham and cheese. I was even more determined to eat on plan, and not think twice. And I told him thanks. IN fact I told him "Thanks for being a butthole, because you made it easy for me to say no to those fries.' I couldn't help but be distant from him though for a little while. He appologized in his little way, and all was fine by bedtime.
I have to tell you ~ this was a powerful moment for me. Why? Because I didnt use food as my crutch, no way! IN fact, I did the opposite. I avoided it because of the emotions I had running through my veins. Not avoided like didn't eat, but avoided eating "comfort" foods. (Chocolate, cookies, fries, etc..) This was like I said, a powerful moment. One that I am still pondering over "How did I do that?". I didn't sleep well through the night though. I had some aches and pains in my back and hips, and just felt overall uncomfortable. Because of that, I chose not to go workout because I know that if I were to have gone, I would have only just got an injury. I am going to get a workout in today, an unconventional one, but a good one. One that lasts for hours throughout my day. And I will return to early morning workouts in the morning.
Now, imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning knowing what I was going to blog about, when I saw Mrs. Beth had updated her blog, and had a similar topic going on. See, it isn't what my husband said that got me, it was how I felt about myself at that moment. How I still percieve myself from time to time. I know that I am a "Lean Mean Momma Machine" and that I can do anything that I put my mind to. But it was so nice to see that I wasn't alone. I think there are alot of women out there who are trying to make life changes, yet the ones they love just don't have a clue! If that is you, please either leave me a comment or send me an email so that I can be praying for you.
I finished the book. Believe It, Be It: How Being the Biggest Loser Won Me Back My Life I have determined that even though I checked it out from the library, that I am going to purchase a copy of this for myself. There are a lot of positive affirmations in this book. I can't recommend it enough! So, when I order this book I am going to also order Fat Chance: Losing the Weight, Gaining My Worth who was another Biggest Loser contestant. These women inspire me and it's time to allow that inspiration to move me into newer levels.
Well, it's Monday. Back to the grind at the preschool, and our regular routines here at home! Yay! I love routines. I do so well when I have one.