I walked away from this blog post to get a shower in, and to blow dry my hair. Now.... I don't know what I want to share. I have much stirring inside, but yet, I don't know if I want to let go of it or not.
I walked away again from this post and thought I would wait until everyone went to bed to be able to get my thoughts around the whole idea of it all. Of what? Letting go!
Letting go of what you might ask. Letting go of EVERYTHING is the answer. I mean it. Everything! I think I need to not only be in control of everything happening to me ~ around me, but everything else as well.
Letting go leaves me vulnerable. But it is time. Two years ago, I did let go. I let go of all my fears... and began this journey of mine. NOW.... I have incurred new fears, and it is time to let go of those and once again retrun to just letting things go, and focusing on what I know I can. Enjoying my life. When I enjoy it the most is when I am NOT in control of anything. Well... you know what I mean. When I stop trying to make things happen. When I stop forcing myself to do somethings that I know is NOT right for m body, simply because I am afraid of what is going to happen. Yeah me. I am terrified! I am scared to death .... well NOT literally, but I am scared of breaking out of the 140's and into the 130's. I am scared of hitting that goal and NOT being happy. I am scared of what others might thing when I still focus on losing those last few pounds and inches.
When your overweight and you begin losing often you find encouragement everywhere you need to. Even places you never expected to find it. BUT..... go beyond what society calls "normal" ... and now I seem to make eyes roll when I talk about losing those dream 15 pounds. ONLY those who are going through it or have gone through can even comprehend the issues that come with that! My support? It is there, in my deepest relationships, but in other relationshps that should be, the support has vanished. I am thankful my husband is behind me. Yes...... he loves where I am now, and I think there is even a part of him that is shocked that not only have I come this far, but am pushing to go further.
As I sit here tonight, I realize I am no longer scared. I have the strength in me and the desire to hit it hard and get this done. I am stepping up my game another notch. Even though I have a foot injury, I am determined to at least WALK a 5k four times a week, along with strength training. I am going to eat a lot cleaner for the next two weeks ~ HARD CORE. I have not weighed in and won't until March 31. THAT is two weeks away! I am excited to see what I can do in those two weeks.
THAT is the biggest fear ~ of never moving past the point I am now. AND... I am the one holding on to that fear and unfortunately making it a reality. I come before you and I am shaking it off! Right now. THIS very moment! And as scary as it is for me, I feel like I am back at my starting point. Back to 227.5. AND for the first time, the thought that comes to mind is this: "It's a new beginning". So even though I am hovering around 147 .... it's a new beginning!
It's a NEW BEGINNING!