Yesterday evening, I decided since the weather was so beautiful I would grill some burgers for dinner. It was a perfect Spring afternoon with temps in the low 70's, a nice breeze and a clear blue sky. As I was sitting there on the front porch waiting for the coals to settle down, I just couldn't help myself. I sat. And I began to allow myself to be quiet enough to hear His prodding on my heart.
I realized that for too long I have put my "self worth" in what others think/say of me, and I seek so much approval from that. It becomes to the point that their reactions/actions may even push me to do or say things I normally wouldn't do just feel accepted and loved. There was ONE chunk in my adult life, where I wasn't like this. In fact, it was almost 9 years of freedom from that. I have to tell you it was because I worked for an employer who did a lot of purposeful counseling especially with those who he saw potential in. WE had a love/hate relationship, but he did change who I was. For so many years I lived to find approval from my parents, boyfriends, friends, etc. I think it is ingrained in us as we grow, but Ozzie thought differently. His buisiness practice was different from anything I ever knew, but he was successful. I thought about him, and realized he would be pretty ticked off at me for allowing myself to backslide like I have in this area in my life. In fact, you can thank Ozzie too, because he made us all journal everyday ~ which began my passion for blogging once I no longer worked there. (Twins) It was a form of therapy, and ya know, he would read it from time to time. And if there was something he saw that needed to be talked out.. he was there.
Anyway, I realize that I need to go back to that person who had enough self worth to realize I cannot find happiness, or even acceptance in others. Do you know why? Because we are human! While most of us mean well in our life, we make mistakes. Sometimes, we don't even realize we may be hurting someone, or even be being hurt by them. It's emotions that get burried deep and begins to chipping away at our innerself that we dont' know what damage is being done until later.
As I sat there, watching the coals, enjoying the silence, I realized I PUT TOO MUCH of what others think or say to/about me into my brain and my heart. I take it too personal because I MAKE it personal. I can't control someone else, but I can control how I deal with situations. Just like the other day. But I didnt know that it would lead me to realize that I can put my self worth in the hands of others because they could be having a bad day themselves that day ~ and then just say the wrong thing not meaning anything or not realizing what they said/did was wrong. So, if I make it personal, then it is a choice. If I don't make it personal, guess what? It's a choice.
self-worth (n) ~ respect for or a favourable opinion of oneself**So, I am going to spend some time in on Friday's post for Discovering your Inner Beauty discussing this, and how to find YOUR self worth.
**Note: I have to tell you that I in NO WAY believe you should esteem yourself above God himself. That is not what a healthy self worth is. **