Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Sharing my heart, and a new found freedom!

I haven't shared a lot of personal things lately. Sure, about weightloss and food choices, but that is superficial stuff. Ya know what I mean. Fluff. I have experienced a new revelation and while I am a bit terrified to be honest and share here, I am going to go ahead anyway. Why? Because, well I am a real person who goes through real ordeals. I have always been honest with ya'll. I need prayer.

Easter was wonderful! Absolutely the best I have had in a long time. I can't even tell you! Most holidays for me are filled with dread. Why? For awhile I had no clue, and didn't understand it myself. Now? I get it. See, even growing up there was a lot of expectations put on me during the Holidays, even as a kid. I had to smile just so, hide my feelings if I was having an "issue", etc. Being all grown up, you would think it would be easier, but it hasn't been. I have so much mental garbage from my past that I am letting go of, but in the process I am having to let go of some of the people who have caused that to begin with. That is hard for me, because I don't want to dishonor my family, yet I realize that by simply walking away for a bit and keeping my distance is not the act of dishonoring them. Had I continued to push through the holidays and go through a bunch of "stuff" with them over and over I would inhabit even more ill feelings, and that would bring a bit more of a dishonor then simply pulling away now.

It was nice to have such an important holiday to me, feel so blessed, and drama free. There was no yelling, no ill chosen comments, nothing but freedom. Freedom is what we celebrate Easter for anyway isn't it? And guess what! NO constant comments of how I could have handled a situation better or changed the outcome. AHHHH!! I feel so grown up, and usually after an emotional day (which what most holidays become in the normal sense) I would have flocked to whatever junk I could have. Guess what?! THAT didn't happen! :) I didn't have to stuff my face with food to "get over it". :) As someone who is health consious, I realize sometimes it is better to simply remove ourselves from situations EVEN if it means family will not understand. Guess what!?! It is up to you (and myself) to create healthy environments if not for ourselves, then in the least for our children.

I have no clue if any of my family read this blog, and I am taking a chance that my words may  hurt someone. BUT I no longer live to please those around me. I please my God, my husband (to an extent) and that is it. I DON"T LIVE TO be the perfect daughter anymore. That is too much pressure and it is holding me back from being who I am created to be. I no longer live to be the perfect parent, and I am not ashamed to tell my kids I made a mistake and show them how I fixed it. I am not ashamed to simply just be me. This mornig, I feel more free then I have EVER felt. Yesterday, I was recovering and very lethargic. I was recooping from a super busy weekend. Today, I am bouncing off the walls with joy! Thank you GOD!

Have a blessed Tuesday. (Pictures coming soon from our Easter!)


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