This morning I wanted to share with you, and allow you a peek into my heart this morning. This shell within me is breaking, and for that I am thankful. See, while I focused on my weight loss journey it consumed me for the entire time, and took away some of my joy. In fact I would almost like to say openly that it sorta sent me into a deep secret place of depression, but one that I could always hide with a contagious smile, or so I thought.
But as I was in worship yesterday. Nothing else in this world matters if my relationship with HIM isn't where it needs to be. We missed three Sundays of worship in a row, and even though that is unlike us, God used it in a way to "bring me closer to Him". The words that were branded onto my heart was not only did I miss three Sundays of being at church to worship, I spent three weeks unable to worship period. Why? Because I was trapped in a prison cell of self pity. Imagine with me with you?
A young woman, with handcuffs on her hands and a band across her mouth unable to call for help. Sitting in the corner coward down, looking terrified. Of what? Of all things, herself. Another person looking down on her, which resembles who she looks like with a bony finger pointing accusing of all the things that she had done wrong. As she hung her head in shame that voice got louder and louder bringing up things from the past, things that really do not amount too much to one person, but is deafening to this woman. Even as a white figure comes into the prison cell, and removes the handcuffs and band over her mouth she doesn't realize she is free. Free to scream back, to fight back, to run. She doesn't realize she doesn't have to be held captive in a way that is so demeaning. Instead the scary figure just keeps on yelling, accusing, blaming, and worse off.... setting her up for future failures by telling her things like "your not good enough", "you'll never make a difference in this world", "Don't waste your time". And the sad scared woman believed her. UNTIL..... angels in the background began singing "YOU are HOLY...." just simply worshiping the Lord for who HE is, not what He can do. And then she was reminded that God promised he would never leave her, never forsake her. And before you know it she began joining the angels "... Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, Our God Our God!". She stood up, she realized while worship her Father that her hands were set free, her voice could be heard miles away. When she stood up she also realized that she was taller, more powerful then the one who was spouting all the profanities at her. She realized that the image of the woman, who looked just liker, was indeed Satan himself. He has worked his way into her mind, constantly belittling her because he knew her self esteem couldn't take it. She stood, looked that little pi on in the eye and said most four powerful words that she could have ever said. "GET THEE BEHIND ME!". ..Yesterday, I found a deeper freedom then I have had in a long time. A freedom to be who God created me to be, not who the world is trying to create me to be. My life is worth so much more then calories, carbs, exercise, though these things have become a part of who I am naturally. Taking charge of our health is a priority, and it should be. We can't be teaching healthy habits if we do not have our own. Because I do take care of me, I can take care of those around me much better. Now, I am feeling free to simply sit and enjoy a good book. I am feeling the itch to begin creating again, and making my home look more cozy inside and outside. I have a deeper desire to begin sewing again. There is so much to this thing called life, and I will not be held prisoner one moment longer.