Hard question isn't it? What is really hard, is when you start to figure out your answer. God is really revealing to me the various ways I use passion that should be for him, but instead is given out to freely to others or other things. Even to things that are not of Him, and instead are against Him. I want to be free of that. I love this whole journey that I am on, because it is freeing me up to be me. (I love that Francesca Battistelli song "Free to be me" Chorus lyrics below)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fenderGot a couple rips in my jeansTry to fit the pieces togetherBut perfection is my enemyOn my own I'm so clumsyBut on Your shoulders I can seeI'm free to be me
I know that each step I take to rid me of the things that are not of God, not what He has called me to do/be, I need to let go and let Him change me. It's hard, because I don't want to let others down, and even some of the things I used to find inspiration in. I really feel led to not watch much TV right now. Why? Honestly it is a time robber for me, just as excessive time online. I am not saying these things are bad, but right now as I enter a new school year, a new season in my life I have to be able to let go of something and it isn't going to be Him, nor my building of the relationship between the two of us. I pretty much am looking at a busy and full week, where after the next few days, blogging will have to take a back seat, and if I am lucky I may get the chance to catch up on weekends. Inside my heart, I am okay with that. Just as long as the relationship between Him and I don't change in a negative way or take a backseat to the former passions of my life. I used to be a big fan of "The Biggest Loser", as I used to find inspiration watching so many lose tons of weight, yet in my Spirit, I feel myself tugging against the idea that I am to let go of that this year. Weight loss is no longer an obsession for me. I have pretty much eliminated all things that regard that type of obsession, because I finally have found the freedom from that kind of lifestyle. For me, it was a prison. And I don't have a lot of fond memories during that time. At all. I pretty much have tried to remove anything that would "trigger" me into it again.
I was a co blogger on a blogging site that had seven us collaborate bloggers, and honestly I have felt the desire and leading in my heart that last Sunday was my last post. I don't understand it, as I was sharing His word, but I can see the pull to feel the "need" to be online and the pressure to please, where if it wasn't there to do, I wouldn't feel it. So, I am going to go against my inside people pleaser self and turn in my resignation effected immediately.
My time on Facebook, or lack thereof this week has been an enjoyable thing as well. It amazes me to see that when I do get on I have tons of replies to catch up and that begins to feel overwhelming as well. How does one get so wrapped up in something that seems so little. Another time robber.
In three more short days (after today) I am not going to have the time for these time robbers. (I have to insert in here that I do not consider blogging a time robber. It is something tihat I do have a passion for, and feel that it is okay to keep when time allows for it.)Well, let me rephrase that because we all have time for the things we want to pursue. I do not want to have to share my time that I do have at home on these time robbers. I like to have a clean and tidy home for my family. The happiness of my husband and children is far more important that seeing who got voted off whatever show may be on at that time. We enjoy taking a walk after dinner, to unwind and talk about the day. We may even go for a walk BEFORE the kids start on their homework this year, simply to unwind their minds from the day. I get overwhelmed at times, and I know they do too. We all do.
There is more to my life then sitting in front of the computer, or TV, or even chatting it up on the phone all afternoon. There is more to this life, then waiting on the new season of whatever TV show is coming on. And I know that sounds whacked to many of you that know me. I am a TV junkie, especially in the evenings. This is new to me. The desire to get away from so much "stimulating" activities such as computers, TV, phone, etc.. I am techy junkie, and from this post it just doesn't make sense!
As I started out saying where is your passion? Last night, I worked on school stuff for yet another few hours after I got home from work. This will happen often for the next week or so, just until we get our feet off the ground of a new school year. There are LOTS of little details that unless you are a teacher (or even a homeschooling mom) that you may not realize how time consuming they are. I do not consider these time robbers, because they are all a part of my calling from God and doing my job well is important to me. When I was done with that, and we were setting down for the evening, I simply turned the TV off, it was just background noise, and began reading a bit. It was at that moment I realized that my "passion" for TV was dissipating. It was being filled with a deep desire for a peaceful environment that was conducive to allowing God to move in my heart.
Being to myself for so much of the summer, then being slammed with so much stimulation by adults (lots of conversations ~ ya know when you get 19 teachers together that are all chatty and giddy like me, it can be overwhelming). I was overwhelmed by myself, simply because I was full of so much joy and excitement that I had to come home and just have some quiet down time. I have a new focus, and I need to embrace that and allow it to grow and to mature some. I am glad that God is calling me into such a deeper place with Him, because it is helping me realize how unhappy my life had been. I didn't realize it. I loved to lose myself in TV programs, or even long lengthy conversations with "friends" . Don't get me wrong, fellowship with people is important, but it shouldn't be a passion or a time robber of things that God has truly called you into. (I do know however, that this is some people's calling, and I am not saying that if it is your calling it isnt' good enough. NO SIR! Follow where God has led you and develop that passion.)But I would be frustrated in the same sense because I was never able to find time to be in the Word, or reading something that would enahance my relationship with Him. I was never able to find time to spend in lengthy prayer, nor did I really want to do those things for me. They felt ackward, and out of place. Well.. in reality , *I* was out of place, out of the place God called me to be, created me to be.
I am loving my life now, and enjoy every moment of it. It feels overwhelming right now, but once we get into the groove of a new schedule (for all of us), and into moving more in tune with switching our passions to line up with the passion of Christ, I think things will flow as they should. Just don't think I have forgotten any of you, or this blog if it seems that I don't write as frequently. But do know, that when I get the chance to share what is going on, it is going to be full of God's goodness, His blessings, and how much He has changed my life. There are lots of things on the horizon, though I can't see them clearly enough to proclaim them now, I will say that I am intrigued to continue on this path that I am currently on.
Love in Christ,
“He must increase, but I must decrease.” – John 3:30