When I started to make positive changes in my life, I unwittingly became a real - life Debbie Downer. And nobody likes Debbie Downers. I always had been the "Funny fat friend" but now that I was slimming down, increasingly, people were uncomfortable around me. They assumed I'd judge their food choices, criticize their lack of exercise and suck the fun right out of the room. All of a sudden the people I knew and loved felt not encouraged but indicted by my improvement. It was a reaction I hadn't expected. (Pg 37)That is exactly where I am this very moment in my life. Today. Right NOW. I share what I share about my journey because I want others to know there is freedom in changing your life! I could honestly CARE LESS how you change your life, but don't give in the to the lie (STRAIGHT FROM HELL) that your not worth it. And really, that is not true. I don't "care less" I care a whole heck of a lot. I hurt when you hurt. I get frustrated seeing so many people falling down and unable to pick themselves up because they simply can't do this on their own. We were never created to do anything on our own, including whatever health journey you may choose. I never in my life, intended to come off looking like I believed my way was the only way for YOU ~ this is my journey I am sharing. The hard times, the good times, the times where I finally break free from places *I* have been held in bondage and unable to find my trust in God in that area of my life and areas where *I* am still struggling. One of those is still finding or needing acceptance by my friends and family. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. BUT it felt refreshing to find out I am not alone ~ in feeling so alone sometimes in this journey. Some days go by and I think "Can I possibly feel any lonelier and then God will send a special thought or gift to me." Other days I feel so very loved and understood. What matters to me most right now is NOT your acceptance of me ~ but acceptance of myself, and God himself. That's it. That is what I am searching for. That is what I am HUNGRY for (as Julie would ask)!
This is a hard blog post to share, because I know some are going to ask "where did this come from", but really, just one of those things I haven't gotten to share this week. Whether you know it or not, I have been much more quiet in the ONLINE life that I have, because there is so much in me I want to share, but am afraid. Or shall I say WAS afraid till I realize it shouldn't matter. If I live my life the best way I believe, God will use whatever He can of that to bless someone else. I know this in my heart, so I no longer will fear your approval or not. I no longer will feel important or unimportant if you "follow" my blog or not. And I am not speaking arrogantly, I am just fed up with wondering if you really like me for me, or because I am just one of those bloggers that is interesting enough to read.
I am trying to live transparently, the good, the bad, and the beautiful. You either have to learn to take me as I am, or leave me.
Love in Christ,
“He must increase, but I must decrease.” – John 3:30