This is one of those weekends. A weekend that I am glad I have had some time alone, because I sure have needed it. IN fact, I am exhausted from it all. My sister passed away two months ago, and for some crazy reason, it is effecting me this weekend more then it has in a while. It's like everything I watch has this whole "sisterly bond" thing that I know I will never in my life have again. I miss her. I miss the whole sister thing period. A lot of my close friends, I haven't had the chance to see or talk to much lately, and well.... I feel absolutely alone. I forced myself to "get over it" so fast (Mel's death) because I didn't want to honestly "deal" with the hurt, that I didn't expect this to happen. I didn't put two and two together until earlier today, but it hasnt' helped make it go away.
I know I am never alone, that God is beside me. HE can be all that I need Him to be, and often He has had to fill in the gap for someone or something that was missing in my life. Tonight, He needs to hold me close, fill me full of joy again. I feel like I am in a dark pit, and now understand where all these self doubts are coming from ~ that I have been facing over the past few days. All the self destructive behavior I impose on myself, ~ it is a punishment of some sort. I wish my husband was home, to hold me with his strong arms.
I honestly don't know what to say, or why I am even sharing this. I guess someone will read it, and when you do ~ please pray for me. I am glad His mercy is new every morning, and that it is close to bedtime for me. I need to go finish having a good cry, wash my face, and tuck myself in for the night. Y'all take care.