Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Silence brings Renewal

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I am so honored and blessed this morning. Amazing how when we go through cycles in our lives, and we end up back in the same spot we began and yet things feel new and refreshed  It's like the whole process was purposefully planned to make me come back to square one with a new attitude, and fresh vision. Surely, I am not alone in this!

When I began sharing on Sunday about Silence I did not realize what the next two days would hold. It held rejection, frustration, sadness, but yet it also held a renewed heart to live my life as God is calling me to, not as he may be calling others to. And it held some deep healing within my heart that needed to be. I have held in some feelings for far too long, and it's time to move forward find healing and hope, and embrace every moment.

Before I was even two, my parents divorced. I do not remember but a handful of times being with my father and step mother. Growing up I always wondered what was wrong with me, and why didn't my Dad want anything to do with me. Why didn't he fight to see me, or in the least come see me on my birthday. I then got angry and brushed it off. He had my sister and in my heart I guess I figured he liked her better. What else would a kid think?

The problem is even as an adult I have continued to walk in that doubt, feeling as if I am not good enough. I mean if your not good enough for your own dad to see you ~ what are you good for? Now, don't you dare feel sorry for me. Mom remarried and my step dad filled in that gap. He raised me and my brother as his own, and I love him deeply for that. Being the youngest, and realizing that your parents decided to divorce when you were just a baby, really can  bring on some self doubt and hurt feelings. Especially when the enemy uses that against you and makes you believe a lie At once I even felt like maybe I was born as a last ditch effort to keep their marriage alive. I don't think that now. I know God created me for a purpose in this life, and I was NOT an accident.

I am in the process of allowing God to heal that hurt, that gap, and making an effort with my father to let him know that I understand how hard it must have been to see another man raise his kids. (Even though both of my parents remarried.) I understand that it was just easier to stay away from the "momma drama", then to fight it. And as much as it hurt, I forgive him and know that he did not forget me on my birthday and Christmas. I want my father and step mother in my kid's lives. I want to hear his side, and to know what it was like when he was growing up.

Who knew when I was brought into Silence, that this would bring me healing. I know deep in my heart my dad loves me. I know I am a lucky girl to have 2 dad's and 2 moms.

Yesterday was a hard day physically (you ladies will understand). But as it was, I still moved forward and found something pretty interesting. I don't have to be perfect. I don't even have to be semi perfect. I just have to be me. I don't have to be like you ~ nor can I expect to be. I also can't expect you to be like me, and while that seems harder I am relieved! I have some great qualities that God has put within me. Qualities that only come to life when HE is leading me. Qualities that are unique and special, and ones I was purposely designed for.

I was reading in 10 Lessons from a former fat girl  by Amy Parham, and that is where I was led to forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself, of lost relationships, of mistakes , of many things. That is also where I began to be shown that I am someone pretty special in God's eyes, and He created me with purpose! He created me with a vision of the only way anyone could glorify Him ~ as we all have something special that not everyone has. In other words, He created me in a unique way that if I lived my life filling the purpose He designed I would glorify Him in a way that you can't. THAT is amazing! I was encouraged to begin to make a list of things that I am naturally good at. (I still need to do that.). I woke up renewed in that promise today, that I was fearfully and wonderfully made! (I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your words are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14)

Just as we are unique in the way God created us, there are some things that are very alike. We all have hunger pangs. These are a signal to eat. We all have signs of thirst. These are a sign to drink. We all get weary. These are a sign to rest. We all get a nudge every day to embrace the quiet moments of God ~ these are a sign to get on our knees and begin to praise Him! While we are alike in so many ways, it is time to accept and embrace our differences too! I finally feel that it is okay to be different. It's okay if I don't want to gossip at work. It's okay, if I would rather drive the speed limit instead of get there first. It's okay if I let my children eat ice cream for breakfast to celebrate a job well done!

I am leaving this post on a lighter note, compared to the last post. Today is a fun in the sun day, and one that had actually started with me being creative in the school prep for the classroom. I already declare today a GREAT day!

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