Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Writer within

It's been a dream of mine for a long time! It's been deep within my soul, buried under so many expectations of others, the people pleasing, and misdirected desires.

As I am getting older (I will be 39 in a few days), I am also reaping the benefits of wisdom as well. In the last few years, I have began peeling back layers of self doubt, people pleasing, feeling like I needed to fit in to be accepted, the lie of perfection. Each layer was so entangled with one another that it has been a painful process. YEARS of self abuse physically, emotionally, and spiritually. YEARS of trying to be someone I am not, so that I did not feel abandoned.

God began a healing process deep within me ~ and I HAD NO CLUE as to what it would entail, or where the journey would lead. It would be like walking into a dark forest alone without a flashlight or a compass. I lost my way a time or two and had to backtrack, I found myself with a tree in the middle of the path, and I had to decide which side of the tree I would need to go. I found myself in the midst of a desert and in a flood at the same time.

Then I began to see something. The beauty of this journey wasn't the journey itself, but the fact that even when it was dark and lonely ~ I was never alone. When I felt like I had no direction, they were there, just hidden. As I began taking back my joy, peace, and passion the direction is become clearer. Am I there yet? No. BUT..... I am learning to love this forest! In this forest I am learning what makes me so unique. In this forest I am able to slough off expectations of others that are NOT what God wants for my life, and able to embrace the ME that He created! It isn't in "pride" that I write this, it is in complete understanding! I am able to let go of expectations of myself that are not real ~ not achievable because they don't come from Him.

This past week, I began writing! Yes, not just blogging but REAL writing! I was born a preschool teacher. Most people who know me, can see that. But I was also born a writer. That I haven't shared as much as I like. There is so much depth within that it can't be just spewed out in a blog. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE blogging. Been doing it for years. Sometimes blogging was my only friend. Blogging is my outlet. Writing.. well, it's another whole level of passion for me! I would say it's almost on the same level as teaching ~ but I haven't been free enough to explore that. That ends now.

The writer within is awake. Hallelujah!


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