Yes the word of the day is: Surrender.
Here is a post I placed in a private group that I am in on Facebook. After I share that, I will go into great detail as to the battle that I am tired of fighting.
"Had a God whisper this afternoon. "If your focus is correcting the outside of you ~ it will never be done. Correction comes from the inside ~ and the outside will only continue to fall apart until the inside is fixed." ~ Very profound and moving!
Last week I began running again. The first day I did it because I think I felt tempted by seeing others doing it too. I felt left out. I felt like I must be missing out on something. I felt.... inadequate by doing nothing. I used the time and listened to a podcast that kept me focused on God, and not myself. It was a good running session. The next day, I felt the call again to press repeat, and so repeats the process through yesterday. Nothing wrong right? Well, there was. I didn't see it, couldn't comprehend it really fully until this morning.
I am not saying running is bad. I am not saying any exercise is bad. But when my motives for doing it to change the outside of my body all the while the inside is not right.... we have a problem. Yesterday, I realized that I have a deep deep fear that really has no substance. My sister died a few months after she turned 40 (four years ago) and it was determined she died of a heart attack. Sudden, un expected by anyone. There is an urgency deep within me that I too will be just like her. Does it make sense? NO! I *am* healthy. I do not have history of blood pressure problems, health problems, or anything of the like that would "naturally" be the cause of a heart attack. UNLESS. Unless you speak of my unclean heart ~ the wavering heart that keeps taking control back away from God and putting it in my own hands like HE isn't wise enough to handle me. HA! HE created me!
I don't understand what's happening, yet I KNOW HE has a plan for it all. I know that for me to push forward and to be victorious by living a life that is changed from the inside out ~ is going to have to start from the inside. Fixing up the outside of a house while the inside is full of mold, dirt, and a crumbling foundation WILL not sale the house to a KING nor a stranger! How can I possibly lead other's to Christ if my own life is not a walking living testimony that does not waiver in trust?! I can't!