Saturday, August 10, 2013

The difficulties of Summer

First let me start by saying this: I KNOW this may not be a "legitimate" issue and to some it may sound like I am whining about nothing. But this is my life, and this is something that I am having to learn to work through. I think at one point we ALL have to work through something similar, so just let me have a moment to share without the lecture. Sometimes I just need to work through these things and get them out to be able to process them fully.

This was my facebook post last night. It wasn't seconds after I hit "post" that I felt tears fall on my face. This was me... being real. Sure, I am usually this "Buddy the Elf" kind of joyful most of the time, but I just didn't have that joy in me yesterday. In fact, I was anything but. Now, let me tell you that part of it is just plain hormonal. Being the woman that I am you know what that entails. I don't have to go into detail. ( We all get that visit from Aunt Flo and her dog Spot.) But there is some deep truth into this that I have kept hidden in hopes it would go away. Why do we do that?! Why do we bury things and just HOPE that it disappears?

I have come to the conclusion. I love that we live in a neighborhood where there are lots of kids. I truly do. And I love that kids love coming over to the house and hang out. I have told "the girl"'s friends many times that I want this be a safe house for them ~ a place where they can come and be themselves not having to "hide" behind a persona. I would rather know the real them, then the fake them and that is truth. The same goes for the boys, but boys being boys ... I haven't had to have that open conversation with them yet. Most of them are 11 or around that age, and well.. at that age they truly are just themselves.

Here is where it gets sappy! I MISS MY KIDS! I miss them "needing me", and really just wanting to hang out with me.  The girl still does a lot and for that I am grateful but she will drop me like a drop in the bucket for a friend at a moments notice. I am glad too! I really am!! I WANT them to have their lives, friendships and all that are not dependant solely on me and my husband. Socially our kids are very mature. They can have long serious conversations about many things with their friends just as they do with us. Emotionally our kids are very stable too. I can look and say with God's leading we have parented our kids well. They will be able to at the proper time, go out and be a positive addition to the world in which we live. They, I am confident, will raise children of their own who will do the same. Not many parents can honestly go to bed at night and rest well knowing that. I am blessed.

Summer time is difficult for me, because I am USED to be torn in so many directions. Sure, the first few weeks of summer are nice, but really ... being honest and truthful, it isn't who I am! I am (as long as the Lord allows it) always a mother, and I love it. I am (as long as the Lord allows) always a wife, and I love it too. But so far, for nine full years, I am a teacher, except for 3 months out of the year. It is in this three month span that I feel a void, a mourning of sorts, because I am unable to be who I am. A teacher. I have had well meaning people tell me it's a 'season of rest' but ..... when you have this purpose and passion deep within you that is void and missing for three months ~ ... you are unwhole. Do you know what it feels like to be unwhole? Throw in the reminder from the husband (most times jokingly) that I am not only "unwhole" but also "unpaid" .... and I truly utterly feel like a failure. For three months out of my year I feel like a failure. Me, the over achiever perfectionist ..... yet I am incomplete. And I don't know if I can make it one more summer like this.

YES, I have loved having tons of times to reflect, relax, and be me. But really, it's hard to be me without being able to be all of me. That includes teaching. YES, I have loved having my kids to myself, and only three kids vs my three plus 15, but ... yet in the same sense, I also feel like they could have functioned well without me around all day. They are in and out, enjoying their friends and freedom that I am honestly just here to clean, cook, and make sure everyone stays alive. :) YES, I have loved having a hot meal on the table for the husband even IF we are eating at 8pm because we have been busy and dinner didnt' get done before that time.

This week, I return to work. I return to prepare for another year and a week from today,  would have already met my new crew, and be preparing for our first day of school. The husband would feel the relief knowing I have a paycheck coming soon. And I will be feeling the crunch of trying to fill all of my "hats" as needed, making sure everyone is well, house is clean, job is done, etc. But most of all, I will feel whole again! But ... what do i do about next summer? Pray hard now! I never want to feel this inadequate again ever.


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