Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Relationship Killer

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The Relationship Killer

Stress! Yep you read it right ~ stress is one of the most hidden and disguised relationship killers known to man. I am not being dramatic either. As women one of our biggest responsibilities in our homes, and the relationship with our husbands is to be the temperature control. Just like the temperature gauges in our homes to keep our homes that right temperature whether It be for Winter or Summer (or any season in between), it is up to us to make sure the environment in our home (and within that relationship) is set at just the right temp to be cozy and inviting.

I know … you’re thinking to yourself “Why do I have to be the one to do that?” but in all honesty that is how we are created. We are more complex, and for the most part more intuitive to the environment around us. I can walk in and know something is not right even if it is just my husband having a rough day at work ~ I know something is off kilter. Since we have been married for twenty years, he is getting much better at this too.

Now while I am talking from some experience, I am not perfect at this! Sometimes I get tired of being the temperature control and quite honestly, sometimes because of my lack of desire to do that ~ we get too hot or too cold both of which are not inviting, becoming, nor conducive to growth and compatibility.

A lot of times, I get busy. Too busy and if I am not careful for keeping a good solid healthy balance I can often be left feeling overwhelmed, unsatisfied, and well … down right crabby and hard to be around. Thing is when I am crabby I also get very quiet. This week is a GREAT example of that. With the start to new school year for me, the last week of summer for my teens, lots of late practices for the girl for the drill team, football meetings and gear pick up for the twins, life is busy this week! Busier than normal. At least when school starts for them and we get into a new normal for us, there will only be a few late night practices, a couple of football games, a week and we will find a new rhythm. This is more especially for me than anyone else because see…. I set the temperature!

If I am having a cow because I have to go to both the Middle School and the High School every single day I am only setting the tone of my children feeling like I am not supporting them (which I do completely), and making them feel bad for being talented! I could also be guilty of sadly making my husband feel incompetent for not helping out ~ though I would feel terrible having someone else do that running for me. Those times have become special for me because I know that my children are no longer little and we only have a few more years of that daily toting back and forth. And I would hate for my children to not be involved in any extracurricular activities because let’s face it… it’s good for them, and it’s good on their college applications.

Okay, I took a little detour there but in reality life throws many detours our way. Distractions if you will. See, no matter if you have children or not, if they are babies or teen agers or heck even grown out of the house every single “distraction” can be a stress magnet for your relationship.

The best thing I can tell you ~ to keep that gauge set at a comfortable level is to always keep your marriage a priority. That is the one earthly relationship that should always take first priority ~ yes even over your children. I know this is NOT a common day practice but … have you seen the divorce rate lately? It’s over 50%! When my husband knows he takes priority …. I think he understands through the busy times of my life. Being a teacher, the start of a new year Is extremely busy on its own ~ let alone when you add a writing career, speaking career, motherhood, keeping a house clean, etc. I am not perfect at it. In fact I just sent him a message in the middle of writing this post (since I am sitting waiting for the girl to come out of drill practice and just finished up a football meeting) to tell him I miss him, and I don’t want him to feel like I am pushing him to the side because that is not my intention at all.

Christmas used to be another time that was nuts but since the kids are getting older it has calmed down a whole lot.

Anytime our finances seem strapped either from that run of crazy appliances, a break of no pay (I teach for a private school) in the summer (spring break, Christmas break, etc) or just plain life, there seems to be some stress that comes about.

BUT if my temperature gauge is carefully monitored, more times than not we can overcome these times of year with just a hiccup or two before I realize what is happening. I could sit here and play the blame game and tell him he is being insensitive, but I can tell you that it doesn’t solve ANY problems and in reality makes them worse.

I am old fashioned in my thinking. After God, my husband is my top priority and I often have to remind myself of that especially during those stressful times. I can’t tell you that it will flip the switch in your relationship if that is not the same for you. Here are a few suggestions from me.

1. Make your husband a daily HIGH priority. Good times, or bad.

2. Understand that he might have a bad day that actually has nothing to do with you and the best thing you can do is to not pressure him to get him to talk about, but to let him go through the process until he is ready to talk about it. (For the longest I would assume that if he had a bad day or was in a bad mood it had everything to do with me. Talk about being narsistiic! GEESH! The world does NOT revolve around me!)

3. Take time to cater to your husband. As wives we often think of all that we have to do and how can it possibly add up to what the men do? Well, in all honesty, the mortgage of our home really rests on my husband’s shoulder. It is the men’s job to provide and take care of while the women are nurturers. We take care of the small things ~ and I have a whole other lesson for you on small things and how big they really are! My husband has a huge responsibility and I need to give him more credit than I do.

4. Take it easy on yourself. You are human! Every step you make to walk towards a more peaceful marriage, one that is growing and enhancing one another the better off you are. Those steps will NOT always be easy, sometimes they will be very steep.

5. Let me know if this helped! If it did please leave a comment below or if you need more, please do not hesitate to ask!

Remember relationships aren’t easy. They take work, passion, foreplay, and well… energy. Breath deep, push forward!


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