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Let's talk about silence for a bit. It truly can be one of the most beautiful things you can ever hear in your life ~ when the voices around you are constant and loud. When the words become just a huge confusing mess. But it can also be lonely, and when the voices inside your head take over can be so deafening that you just want to run away.
This is really something so very hard to share ~ because I am usually known for being the "Positive Pollyana" who drives people nuts for always being positive, yet there is nothing positive about what I am sharing today. In fact, it is the polar opposite. So why share do you ask? Because since I have become more active on YouTube and other social media outlets, I have vowed to always remain genuine, real, and authentic. Don't get me wrong! If you have seen my latest videos and such you know that I am for the most part in a pretty good space. I have transitioned through one of my hardest years as a teacher, and have come out on the other side of it more confident than ever before that I am in the right field for me. I am doing what I love, and what I am good at. What more could a person want out of life right?!
There is more. I do want more. As I have shared prior my husband has been going through a rough year of his own. His started around the same as mine maybe a month or so after so I am hoping that he too will find himself on the other side happier, more confident and at peace. We as a family have had a rough year because of this financially, emotionally, and even just living in the confidence we became to know as normal knowing hat we were financially stable and capable of the life we are living today. This process has taught us or me at least that I can't control everything. Know matter what I plan, life will have it's turns ups and downs that are beyond my control and lately even beyond my comprehension.
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I have allowed these inconsistent and confusing times in our life to have power over me and because of that I have found myself often in a deep depression that is overwhelming more often than not. I have cried in silence many days all while trying to keep it together for the sake of my marriage and our children. I get tired of telling our kids "No" to the simple things of eating out or a new shirt out of fear for having lights and water.
Now before I go any further I have to share that we are fine. Never once have we lost our lights/power/phones/etc and we always have food. My thoughts though focus on what we don't have .... instead of all that we do and that is wrong! REALLY wrong! You all know I am the one who is always trying to remind everyone to be grateful for the little things because when we are we can find ourselves being thankful for bigger things. When we prove ourselves faithful with little, we will be given much. Part of being faithful with little is being grateful for little.
And now I must say this. When life throws us curve balls if we are not emotionally well and stable, it can often set those who are suffering in silence into a tailspin of doubt, insecurities, and in our own minds we can often spin things out of understanding without even trying to or meaning to. It honestly becomes so irrational that it makes sense to no one not even ourselves. We don't go to other people with this feeling because often we don't want to draw attention to ourselves, our situation. or admit that we are indeed breaking. More often then not, those people who suffer in silence pull away from their support system, the ones who could snap us out of that turmoil not because we want to be stuck in it, but because we don't want to worry others. By sharing our stories, our feelings we often feel like we become a burden, and that is one thing no one wants. I don't want a pity party. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I don't want others to think or see me as weak. I don't want to be seen as a person who can crumble like a piece of burnt bacon. I'd rather fake it and pray that I make it regardless of how it feels in that very moment.
I have thought of suicide before. But it's not an option. I love my family too much to put them through the after pieces, nor would I want them to take blame for my moments of insecurity. So I pray, push through, and hope that the next day is better. More often then not it is and I can begin to see the rainbow after the storm.
If someone you know and love has pulled away from you, guilt tripping them into attention is not the answer. Be patient and know that most likely there is something bigger deep within them that is beyond words. Beyond emotion. While you wonder why they won't call, they are wondering why they should. Not because of anything you have done, but because maybe they will hear how they have failed one more person in one more way. If someone you know is quieter than normal just understand that life is hard sometimes and maybe for just that moment being quiet is how they are coping with the hurt, the questions, the doubts or maybe just maybe.... they are celebrating that the condescending voices in their heads have finally shut up for just one moment and they are enjoying the peace. Be encouraging with your words ~ not voicing who and what you think they (or anyone) should be.. and instead celebrate the great things that t hey already are. Last but not least, be kind and open minded when they finally decide to break the silence and let you in on the living hell that they have been enduring for however long it may have been.