Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Where are you?

I know! I know! I am not working so you would think that I would have plenty to share right? Well .. to be honest, I am not even sure who or where I am in my life at this point.

First off before I begin, please know that it is not my normal self to be negative and I am not trying to be, but if I don't get these thoughts out of my head they will eat me alive. I am not sharing for sympathy, I am not sharing for anything other then getting this mess out of my head so that maybe I can begin to uncover who and where I am right now.

Back in May when my dream job was presented to me I was ecstatic! I just knew God has been hearing my heart's cry and was leading me to a new journey. I guess in some ways He still is just not so clearly. I felt like finally we were getting a break. As many of you have known, we have been on a financial roller coaster since October. This was going to be my break and the first open door in our home to fixing the cracks in our finances. The day I turned in my resignation I felt like the ceiling had lifted and I could do anything. The world was all of a sudden an open book! My husband and my parents told me how proud they were and that this was an amazing opportunity. We knew there would be a delay and let me tell you I was okay with that. It gave me time to get a few things done that needed to be done first. In that time my husband started a new job so we thought wow! This is going to be a really good summer! And here we are.... nearing the end of July and I am still unemployed. Many delays had popped up and nothing that could be fixed by any particular person (not on my end). The job offer is still there but with no clear start date. So, in the meantime the only thing I know to do is fill out applications left and right. I don't want to ~ but what if that door never opens?

Here is how I truly feel right now:
1. Ashamed. I feel like something is wrong with me  ~ and I am the cause of the delay and non responsive applications.
2. Hurt. In some ways I feel like God is punishing me for something.
3. Worried. Bills don't stop!
4. Worthless.
5. Like I have no purpose

My inner self asked me last week "Now that you are no longer a teacher ~ what is your purpose in this life?". It devastated me drastically because I have no answer. I don't know what my purpose is anymore. Writing this all out makes me just feel so alone.

I don't like feeling like my life is out of control and yet.. here it is.. completely in an uproar. Thankfully my relationships with my husband and family are good but that is about all that is.

YES, I put value and find my worth in who I am in this world. In my career. In what I can bring to this world of value. And right now ~ because I am not working I truly feel like I have no value to offer and it stinks!

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